How to Get High Without Dying from Coronavirus
The second you turn on your phone and get on your news site of choice, you’re bombarded with harrowing headlines about the spreading COVID-19, a.k.a. coronavirus.
You try to escape the madness and open up Facebook, Instagram, or TikTok (if you even have TikTok on your phone you’re probably too young to be on this site) and it’s just more of the same — new infections left and right, and now even the first death on US soil?
“Fuck that…,” you think to yourself, and call up your buddy to get high in peace and forget about all the madness. But now, the constant headlines have got you worried. What if your friend’s runny nose is not “just allergies.” And wasn’t their second cousin in Italy last year?
Will your love of weed be the end of you? Is anyone still safe? Before you go down that rabbit hole and lock yourself in a bunker, read the following tips on how to get high and stay healthy.
Basic hygiene is still your best bet
Turns out your mom was right. Washing your hands regularly, and thoroughly, especially after touching stuff on the outside world, is one of the simplest ways of staying safe. Try to minimize contact with door handles, buttons, and any other surface lots of people touch.
Since your hands will most likely touch your mouth at some point during your smoke sesh, wash up before getting high.
The WHO recommends washing your hands with soap and warm, running water for around 30 seconds. If you don’t have soap handy, an alcohol-based hand sanitizer will also do.
Now’s the time for personal joints
Sure, passing around a fat blunt is one of the best parts of getting high with friends. For many, the communal aspect of smoking is one of the main reasons they like getting high.
Instead of one big blunt or a pipe to pass around, roll a few personal joints to minimize the transfer of bodily fluids and keep your germs to yourself.
Even better, let everyone roll their own joints since you’ll probably be licking that paper at some point during the rolling process. If you have a friend that doesn’t know how to roll, tough shit. If they really want to get high they can either finally learn to roll a proper joint or invest in a good joint rolling machine.
Keep your distance
One of the WHO’s tips is to “maintain social distancing,” which is a strange way of saying “tell people to back the f*** off.” They recommend keeping at least three feet (one meter) between yourself because “when someone coughs or sneezes they spray small liquid droplets from their nose or mouth which may contain virus.”
Thanks for that vivid image, WHO. If you’ve ever seen that MythBusters slow-motion sneeze, you’ll know that three feet aren’t going to cut it and you might want to rethink how badly you need to be around people altogether.
‘Practice respiratory hygiene’
First of all, who writes these guides? Nobody in the history of ever has used the term “respiratory hygiene.” But I digress.
What the WHO is trying to say here is that if you have to sneeze or cough, do it into your bent elbow or a tissue. Afterward, throw the tissue into a trash can with a lid. That begs the question: If I sneeze into my bent elbow, do I have to burn my sweater? Do I throw it into a trash can with a lid?
The WHO’s instructions are pretty unclear about this point, so we’ll just have to assume you should set aside a serious budget for sweaters, long-sleeves, and hoodies.
And what about coughing out your lungs after an amazingly huge bong rip? Maybe just dial back on the coughing fits a bit — it’s super disgusting and you’re probably smoking your bong all wrong anyway.
Buy a trash can with a lid
We should have probably written this one earlier when we told you to throw your disgusting snot-filled tissues in the trash. But let’s be honest, if a trash can lid is the only thing saving you from catching COVID-19, you’re screwed anyways.
Wash your hands, often and thoroughly.
Keep your distance from people that are sick or have been to areas affected by the coronavirus.
Don’t share your joint, pipe, vape, bong, apple, etc, with others.
Don’t be disgusting. Keep your bodily fluids to yourself and clean up after yourself.
Get high often and don’t worry about every little thing.