The date is March 17, 2003. US President George W. Bush addresses the nation and informs Saddam Hussein and his sons Uday and Qusay that they have 48 hours to leave Iraq. Across the Red Sea, two American college graduates sit in a hotel room in the Israeli resort town of Eilat and fashion their government-issued gas masks into bongs.
The identities of the students in question were lost to history, but one of them – this author – remembers that making a “gas mask bong” at the time just meant putting on the mask and having your friend shotgun a hit into the mask.
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Luckily, today’s brightest minds in gas mask bong craftsmanship have mastered how to actually make these devices work as bongs. And while they aren’t the most practical way to get high, they just might be perfectly timed for the age of the coronavirus, when surgical gloves and masks are this season’s must-have accessories.
A few tips before you strap on your gas mask bong:
There are a few things you want to keep in mind before using a gas mask bong. First things first, they aren’t the easiest or most practical bongs in the world.
Sometimes it can be hard to get a tight seal where the bong connects to the mask, or between your face and the mouth hole of the mask. You may have to strap the bong very tightly against your face when hitting it to get the right vacuum, and when the mask fills with smoke, it can make your eyes pretty red in there.
Also, after each session, make sure to give the eyeglass/plastic a good clean and rinse out the whole thing if you can – otherwise, it could get pretty funky in there.
That said, gas mask bongs are great for two main purposes: as a gift, and as a cool party gag. Everybody wants to try a gas mask bong at least once, and if you do, you’re guaranteed a great pic.
Here’s a look at some of the top gas mask bongs you can find online. They might not actually protect you from chemical warfare, but if it comes to that at least you’ll be high.
Dia De Los Muertos Gas Mask
1. The Classic Gas Mask Bong
Simplicity is key, especially when you’re strapping a chemical warfare protective device onto your face. You don’t want to fumble around when the chlorine gas shells are flying in, or when you finished work on Friday afternoon and you’ve just placed a perfect nug inside a bong which just happens to be attached to your gas mask. This silicone old-school gas mask comes with a clear bong with skull base, is completely adjustable, and will still get you high and make for a good Instagram pic – even without any fancy design features.
2. The Beach Bum Gas Mask Bong
Billed as “the perfect bong for clumsy smokers,” this gas mask bong uses the classic old-school silicone mask and comes “in a random multicolored design.” This bong should be able to survive being dropped, or if you take too big a hit and fall mask first into the floor. Unlike some other options, this bong has a removable metal bowl which makes for easy cleaning, and it couldn’t possibly be more user-friendly.
3. Red, White & Blue Gas Mask Bong
Do you love Bastille Day or the Fourth of July? Do you like to express patriotism through a bong you wear on your face? Do you not care at all which color your gas mask bong is? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this bong might just be the one for you. It’s simple, easy to use, and has a clear acrylic skull bong attached to it which should give some nice, easy pulls.
4. Full Face Gas Mask Bong
This sleek, well-crafted gas mask bong says “I want to take bong hits through a gas mask, but I also want to look good doing it.” The mask comes with a detachable 8-inch bong with a skull at the base, which arguably means it might not be the gas mask bong that you’ll want to wear to a job interview.
That said, it is currently ranked 20,135 in “medical supplies and equipment,” and has received an average of 3.9 out of 5 stars from reviewers.
5. Project X Classic Gas Mask Bong
Sometimes you want to go for that retro gas mask bong look that says – I’m here to get stoned through a piece of protective gear – but I also appreciate the classics. This gas mask bong has more of a retro look, all black silicone with the big bug eyes that looks like something you’d see on a heavy metal album cover or in a rice patty somewhere during the Cold War. It also includes the drinking spout that is standard issue on military gas masks and will allow you to drink the carbonated or fermented beverage ration of your choice without ever having to take the mask off.
The seller also states that the mask has a “noctilucent effect (it’s glow-in-the-dark), in the dark, you are the focus, visually cool.” We would assume that any time you walk into a room with a gas mask bong on you’ll be the focus of attention at least initially, but if you really want to stand out this could help you when the lights go off.
6. Storm Trooper Gas Mask Bong
The good news is – Lucasfilm studios might try to sue you, but if they fire mustard gas into your apartment, you might be somewhat protected. This bong is basically a stormtrooper mask on a gas mask with a bong attached to the chin, and it is available in black or stormtrooper white. It’s a very well-designed look that, as the seller says, “can be used as a bong or it can be used as costume mask.”
We don’t see this as an either-or decision. Technically speaking, if you walk into a party with a gas mask bong – that’s your costume. But, with this bong, you’ve got both bases covered.
7. Black Panther Gas Mask Bong
“Wakanda (hacks, coughs, spits) Forever!!!”
2018’s Black Panther was a ground-breaking superhero blockbuster that broke box office records and had a Too Short song in the first scene. But have you ever seen it with a bong strapped to your face? This gas mask bong comes with a great-looking Black Panther mask and a long, curved plastic bong that hooks directly into the mask and should be able to fill up with a ton of smoke during any extended hit.
And while it’s not made out of vibranium, this mask is good-looking and sure to make you stand out from the rest of the superhero-themed masks at your next office party.
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