Most people don’t know this, but in 1898, when Marie Curie discovered Radium, she was actually in her lab trying to get high, but she was out of papers and started improvising. “Books” will tell you this is false, but there’s no way to deny that while a lot of people (cops) like to say that marijuana will kill your motivation, few things can hold a candle to a stoner at home with a bag of weed, and zero papers, no blunts, bong or pipe, and no convenient store open anywhere nearby. Forget everything you heard about MacGyver (done!) – a stoner that has to get high with household items is where true innovation lies.
If you are at home without any traditional smoking means, here are a few tried and true methods you can use to make your own Improvised Smoking Device (ISD).
If you grew up in a house with parents who brought fruit, even vegetables, then you’ve probably had easy access to this classic ISD method and may have even tried it a time or two.
The apple method works great because it’s so simple. All you need is an apple and a pen or chopstick (and weed, obviously), and you’re just a couple steps away from a fruity high.
Find a fresh apple, and ideally from a crunchy, crispier variety – which will have better structural integrity. Take a knife and remove the stem, making sure you get all of it. Take the pen and bore a hole through the top of the apple where the stem was, pushing downward at a slight angle until you get about halfway down the apple. Then make a second hold close to the bottom of the apple and push the pen through the hole until it connects with the first hole you made.
Next, find a spot towards the top of the apple near where the stem was, and where it will be convenient to place your finger. Make a hole there that connects to the main hole; this will serve as your carb.
Finally, carve around the top hole until you have a good-sized divot which will serve as the bowl. Try to use a single, fairly large bud so that it won’t fall down the hole.
Put your finger on the carb, spark the bowl, and breathe in. You have now consumed one of your USDA recommended five to nine servings of fruits and vegetables per day.
Water hose nozzle
Do you have a yard? Has anyone ever watered it? Then chances are you have one of those pistol grip screw-on spigots for gardening and/or outdoor showers.
You can use one of these as a pipe in hard times, and all you need is some aluminum foil. First off, unscrew the spigot and shake out any water that’s caught in there. Take some foil and wrap it over one of the nozzles at the front of the gun, and poke some holes in it.
Take a nice little bud and cradle it inside the foil, spark, and let ‘er rip. Spray the water above you on shower setting, take a chair, and do the routine from Flashdance (optional).
Water jug/flower vase
Just like how in a pinch, you can use your bong as a flower vase, the inverse is also true.
Find a classic, teapot-shaped water jug where the opening for the main reservoir is small enough to where it will fit snugly around your mouth when you put it in there.
Take some foil and lay it over the tip of the spout. Wrap it tightly so that you know it will stay in place and then poke some small holes in it with a needle, thumbtack, or something that’s not much wider.
Place your mouth firmly in the main water hole; make sure there’s a tight seal, and spark the bowl.
Pipes do grow on trees, but did you know that the banana tree is actually an herb? If you’re still reading this, here’s how you can make a pipe out of a banana:
Take a banana, ideally one that’s not too ripe, even a little green. Take a knife and cut off the bottom inch of the fruit. Take the little banana foreskin and dump out the meat inside, then use a napkin to dry the inside a bit.
Take a straw or a pen and push it into the open end of the banana and push it about half or ¾ of the way up the banana. Cut a little hole on the outside of the banana and drill down with the pen till it meets the first tunnel you dug. Take the end piece you removed and dried and connect it to the shorter hole you just poked. Now you have a bowl!
Put a little weed into the bowl and take a deep hit. When you exhale, make that Mario-Kart sound when somebody hits a banana peel. Repeat.
One of the most old-school methods of smoking weed sans paper or pipes is the ol’ aluminum can. It meets the two basic requirements of ISD making – easy to construct and uses materials common in the house.
To make a soft drink can pipe, first empty the can. Pro tip: If you pour the soda into a glass, you can drink it after you smoke. Turn the can on its side and make an indentation with your thumb a few inches down the can from the opening.
Take the needle or nail and poke a number of small holes in the indentation. Take a pencil or Phillips head screwdriver and poke a hole in the side for your carb. This might be just something to make you feel better, but you can then use a lighter to heat up the bowl and the carb, in theory burning off some of the harmful chemicals before you sprinkle weed over the bowl and smoke it.
This is probably a good moment to stop and remind you of the potentially harmful side effects of ingesting aluminum, not to mention all the different plastics, particles, and paints that go into that can. The bottom line, this is a method to be avoided, but one that does work.
When the going gets tough, the tough smoke weed out of household items
By now, you should have a better idea of how to get high with household items, or maybe you found some papers that fell behind the couch a few months ago. Regardless, with all of these methods, the same basic principles ring true – it shouldn’t take any engineering experience or more than just a couple minutes, using items that most people have at home. Best of luck, you’ll find your pipe eventually.